I have demons in me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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