I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
