I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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