just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
