Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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