The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
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