And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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