You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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