i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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