you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
