You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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