I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I forget how to act sober
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize