I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
