I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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