theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
