the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
