he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
