I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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