fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
