I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
