Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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