Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Boobs are out for the taking
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
