What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
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i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
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