I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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