Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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