yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
