ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
