You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
