His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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