I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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