Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
