Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
