finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
