it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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