I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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