I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
