You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
