What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
