She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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