broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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