I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
