Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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