no, he came in my armpit
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
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he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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