When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
