my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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