what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
