i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
