i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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