ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
