Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
