I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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