I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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