There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
