Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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