Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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