ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
