Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
