you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
