i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
