I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
