oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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